The Road to Perdition

It has been a highway to hell in these last months, my personal road to perdition. I have terrible painful wounds on my ass from pressure sores, I'm a quadriplegic and a convicted ex-felon but these things I take for granted. The constant pain, both from wounds and the even more poignant pain of being trapped in my own body are subtle distractions compared to losing my family.

I loved my family. Maybe I didn't show it enough. Maybe the distractions of the later years of our marriage together made me lose sight of what was important. Maybe renting out the spare room to a grow farm was one of the stupidest moves of my life. But losing her was the stupidest thing I ever did.

Indifferent to humanity... I was indifferent to her feelings and her needs and indifferent to basic humanity is what she said. That is what killed us. And she was right, I was wrapped up in my own concerns, my own petty little problems. I hurt her with the abuse of not knowing how to communicate, the abuse of indifference, the abuse of being a belittling belligerent asshole, mister can't be wrong. Mister too little, too late, I never pulled it together. I was always a slacker. I never got anything in my life right. I always went for the easy way.

Is living with quadriplegia day in and day out for over twenty years, fighting every day to vanquish the pain of being broken, is that easy? Yes it is. Its the easy way out, taking from people, letting others service your every need from basic food stuffs to cleaning up your shit, washing you, emptying your piss bucket... yes that is the easy way out. The hard way would be to have the courage to admit that you are nothing more than a parasite sucking away at the marrow of your families future. After all, you will always need something. You will forever be a burden.

She said she didn't hate me. She just stopped throwing her life down a sinkhole to support me physically, medically, emotionally and financially. To support someone that didn't care about her or even himself. I cared though, I cared deeply, but I never showed it. I never showed her how deeply I loved her because I never found a way. Now I never will get that chance, not to do it the right way, not to ever give her what she needs because she doesn't need anything from me anymore. Except maybe silence. Maybe that's the best gift that I can give her. Maybe that's the best thing that I can do for all of my family, to silence that particular crying voice that is my own.

I got married for a bunch of reasons but one of the most secret and selfish ones was because I didn't want to be alone. Alone there is no reason to continue this day to day game. Alone I am nothing, I add nothing to the whole, and the impact of my passing would be minimal. I had it all worked out up to the day I met her and then there was no need because she was there. When I told her I loved her my whole world stopped and it didn't start again until she smiled. Its a rare person who can love you despite what you are. When I had her I was something. When I had her I was whole and now... now I am not.

True Lost

In sombre dreams of infinite
passionate toil for sustenance
eloquent speeches go on deaf ears
no reward for patient stupidity
rambling out our worst fears to
a cold audience no longer in tune
we wonder what happened to the past
to love and the spring of love
to feeling it so deep it hurts
and the pain of the loss of the drive
the push pull drive of true love
the ache of losing it like danger and
hate and no rewards and thinking
what happened to the fresh new blessing
of the blossom of all that truth
the truth we hear in our heart
when we first meet that one
did we do it wrong did we pass it by
for a false sense of enclosed smugness
confident comfort that it could never end
even if in our years we grew to think
the other knew enough that
we didn't ever need to talk
a false confidence of togetherness
without the balls to back it up
did we do it to ourselves
or was it all my blindness for
not seeing the truth that you
were slipping away and could
not feel my love anymore
was it my pain and my sickness
my selfishness that drove you
to fall away from the dream of forever
and family and growing old together

Free verse, July 2009
by Peter Wetherall

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 20 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Saint Anthony Patron Saint of Bacon

Based on the circumstances surrounding them, some Saints become patrons of people, occupations, places or things. It's never been easier or more affordable to bring the power of a Patron Saint to your aid. Each 3-3/4" (9.5 cm) tall, hard vinyl Saint comes with a 3" (7.6 cm) base and a removable backdrop that includes a Prayer to Assist with the Enjoyment of Quality Bacon. Warning Choking Hazard! Contains small parts, not for children under 3.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for really being a stand-up guy and giving me that seat on the train, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 19 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon: A Love Story: A Salty Survey of Everybody's Favorite Meat

It's salty, smoky, and sweet. It's experiencing a culinary renaissance. It can make almost any dish better. It's bacon, and it's the best meat ever. And now, here's the book that celebrates that deliciously sinful strip of cured pork belly.

In Bacon: A Love Story, popular bacon blogger Heather Lauer serves up a piping hot dish of fun and facts with this definitive love letter to what she calls meat candy. Heather explores the ins and outs of how bacon finds its way to your skillet and what to do with it when it gets there.

Written in a witty, engaging style and brimming with Lauer's infectious passion for the Best Meat Ever, Bacon: A Love Story is a must-read for anyone who loves bacon or is passionate about food.

About the Author
Heather Lauer is a lifelong bacon enthusiast and the creator of the popular website BaconUnwrapped.com. She lives in Phoenix, Arizona and Fairfield, Idaho.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for having way too many books already we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon books and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 18 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon and Eggs Adult

Yes you too can dress like bacon. Eggs too, of course, but oh that hot sizzling bacon, Oh My!Costume includes: one (1) bacon tunic and one (1) egg tunic. Available in one size fits most adults, sizes Large/X-Large. Undershirts and pants not included.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for having won some prize or nomination type thing fairly recently that we can't remember the name of right this minute and are too lazy to Google, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon suits and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 17 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Raw Bacon Weave Cardholder

Flash this very unique RAW Bacon Weave Card holder and instantly make alliances with other bacon fanatics ... Makes a great "going out" wallet , simple design carrys the essentials: business cards, credit cards, and ID's. Measures 2.75" x 4" when closed, with two clear pockets inside. Handmade in Los Angeles.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for his passionate address of official issues pertaining to things and stuff, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 16 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Pugster Mmm Bacon Italian Charms Bracelet Link

Express your own unique style by customizing your Italian charms bracelets! Pugster offers an array of exquisite & unique designed Italian Charms bracelets which is the ideal choice for any occasion. This Italian Charms Bracelet is a great addition for your dynamic charm collection. Crafted of the finest stainless steel, this Italian Charms bracelet is absolutely an attention grabber. The stainless steel mmm bacon Italian charms bracelet measures an easy length of ~9mm, height of ~9mm and thickness of ~3.2mm. Crafted and authenticated by Pugster Inc. This mmm bacon letter laser Italian charms bracelet is available for both retail and wholesale purchase through our store.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for puttering about in his garage as the men came to do up his new roof, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon baubles and send them to Athena with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 15 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Flavored Toothpicks

These slender sticks of wood are generously flavored with the unparalleled, drool-inducing flavor of bacon. Each 3" x 1-1/4" x 1/2" tin contains eighty toothpicks. You will receive two tins of toothpicks.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for riding "Peppermint the Magic Cow" to work every morning, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon flavored sticks of chewable woody goodness and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 14 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Wallet

Put some hip into your hip pocket with one of these whimsical wallets! Each 4-1/4" x 3-3/4" (10.8 cm x 9.5 cm) faux leather wallet has plenty of pockets for your cold hard cash and copious cards.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for eating nothing but low-fat cheese spread for the last ten days, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon wallets and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 13 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Mr. Bacon vs. Monsieur Tofu Action Figures

Each vinyl figure has bendable arms and legs. Mr. Bacon stands 5-5/8" tall Monsieur Tofu is 3-3/8" tall Illustrated window box. Bring home these snack-tion figures today!

Mr. Bacon and Monsieur Tofu are fired up and ready to rumble, but only one can remain at the top of the food chain! Mr. Bacon stands 5-5/8" (14.3 cm) tall and fights for everything salty, greasy and meaty. Monsieur Tofu is 3-3/8" (8.3 cm) tall and represents all things made of coagulated soy milk. The winner gets eaten for dinner! Each vinyl figure has bendable arms and legs.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for rampaging through the woods wearing nothing but a deerhide thong, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon items and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 12 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Flavor Dental Floss

Dentists recommend flossing and we recommend bacon! Now you can be improving your dental hygiene while enjoying the amazing flavor of crispy fried bacon. Is there anything bacon can't improve? Each plastic dispenser contains 27.3 yards of waxed floss.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for an awfully good job of pretending to be a fern, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of this wonderful bacon junk and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 11 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

BACON BANDAGES

3-3/4" tall reusable metal tin Contains 15 bandages Includes a FREE toy trinket to take your mind off of the excruciating pain While the bandaids are latex-free, the packaging of this product contains natural rubber latex which may cause allergic reactions The 3" x 1" Bacon Strips are cut to look like small slabs of bacon

Heal your wounds with bacon! Wait...with bacon? The makers of the Bacon Bandages maybe be weird but, they are onto something. They are one of our best selling items! Each tin of Bacon Bandages comes with 15 sterile adhesive strips cut into the bacon shape and a free toy! Sizzle your ouchies away!

To honor Mr. Scalzi for having had an ice cream with Mr. Spock, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon things and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 10 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Air Fresheners

Love Bacon? Then go ahead hang this air freshner anywhere Car, home, dorm air freshner. Just say no to pine trees! Our selection of Air Fresheners features fun images and enticing aromas! Each one measures about 4" (10.2 cm) and comes with a string for hanging.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for loaning us a large sea going craft for research purposes we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon things and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 9 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

BACON TREE!!

This is a bacon tree that you can eat from! The bacon is precooked when it shows up on this bacon tree. Enjoy!

Note: We are not altogether certain that this is a "real" tree, but we have hope.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for his liberal views on conservativishness and polyamphoric residue we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 8 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Chocolate and Bacon Candy Bar

The newest flavor from Vosges, the inimitable Mo's Chocolate and Bacon Candy Bar, combines smoky bacon and sweet milk chocolate. Vosges creator Katrina explains the origins of this unique combination: "Crisp, buttery, compulsively irresistible bacon and milk chocolate combination has long been a favorite of mine. I started playing with this combination at the tender age of six while eating chocolate chip pancakes drenched in maple syrup. Beside my chocolate-laden cakes laid three strips of fried bacon, just barely touching a sweet pool of maple syrup. Just a bite of the bacon was too salty and yearned for the sweet kiss of chocolate syrup. In retrospect, perhaps this was a turning point, for on that plate something magical happened: the beginnings of a combination so ethereal and delicious that it would haunt my thoughts until I found the medium to express it--chocolate."

Ingredients:Applewood smoked bacon, Alder smoked salt, and deep milk chocolate.

Gluten free.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for having fired his long-time shoe salesman to get in on walleye season this year and hopefully land the biggest fish, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 7 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

J&D's Baconnaise Bacon Flavored Spread

Imagine the sweet paring of bacon and mayo in one big glop of wonderful fatty goodness and you are on your way to ultimate happiness with this delicious American treat!

To honor Mr. Scalzi for washing his cat in baconaise we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of this wonderful bacon glop and send it to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 6 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Flavored Jelly Beans in Bacon-Shaped Collectible Tin

Its a bacon bonanza! Sixty bacon flavored jelly beans come in each 6-1/2" x 1-1/2" x 1" bacon-shaped tin. Not quite as tasty as real bacon, but better for your arteries.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for his long and bitter diatribes concerning the use of free-range clams we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 5 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Flavored Mints

Each one of these mints tastes like a delicious slice of crispy bacon with just a hint of mint flavor to give it that extra punch! It may sound weird but once you taste it, you will probably drop dead so what the heck! Try some today!

To honor Mr. Scalzi for something we ask that everyone who knows him personally please don't buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and do not send them to him with our compliments! (We didn't like them.)

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 4 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Gumballs in Tin

Yes, weve gone overboard with the "bacon" thing, but who can blame us? Bacon is a powerful force and we are but disciples doing our part to spread the gustatory gospel. Each 3.25" x 2.5" x .75" (8.3 cm x 6.4 cm x 1.9 cm) tin contains twenty-two bacon flavored gumballs.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for having the cutest toes on the internet we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a tin of these wonderful bacon balls and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 3 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Breakfast For Nuclear Fallout


Mountain House® Freeze dried #10 can foods are Great tasting, High Quality, Light Weight, designed for Hearty servings and offer a super Long shelf life...up to 25 years! Stick a bunch of these in your nuclear fallout shelter and you'll never go a day underground without a big hearty breakfast. Simple Food Preparation, our freeze dried foods from Mountain House® are easy to prepare-just add hot water...wait 10 minutes...and eat!

To honor Mr. Scalzi for having very serious eyebrows we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 2 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Uncle Oinker's Gummy Bacon

These succulent strips of Gummy Bacon are so realistic you'll want to fry some up and serve them with an egg and a side of hash browns. But please don't. Gummy Bacon should only be savored raw. Each illustrated window box contains four 20 gram slices of strawberry flavored gummy meat sealed in a plastic bag.

In case you didn't know, or can't read big orange letters, April is The Official Month of Bacon in honor of John Scalzi and the WWBM (World-Wide Bacon Movement.)

To honor Mr. Scalzi for the many plush bacon cat toys he has inspired we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, April is The Official Month of Bacon in honor of John Scalzi and the growing World-Wide Bacon Movement and Unification Rally! The WWBM was unwittingly started by Mr. Scalzi and his genius creation of Bacon Cat, in his almost constant pursuit of The Art of Netweird Madness. Now everyone on the internet is on fire for all things Bacon! To honor Mr. Scalzi for this totally ludicrous and insane gift to the world we present a month of bacon and bacon related stuff, including news and developments of the WWBM across the world. Enjoy!

The first delightful entry is from:

The Green Tangerine
48 Hang Be St., Hanoi, VN

Bacon Flowers!

As good as it looks, this delightful dish is from the kitchen garden menu at The Green Tangerine. Flavored with 5 Vietnamese spices vinaigrette, with sweet and sour tropical fruits, the dish is served cold and it is a perfect refreshment after battling the motorbikes of Hanoi.

Wound Care In The Age of Pain

In the last two weeks I've had various run-ins with Wound Care. First the Hospital Variations; this is where you go to be viewed by the nurse, the doctor, another nurse, a nurse practitioner, some guy with a camera and another nurse.

First the nurses gang up on you and toss you into bed, strip off your pants and roll you over to check out your ass. This might seem easy enough, especially for the hopeful perverts out there, but its not nice at all if what they are looking at is a bunch of Stage 4 holes in your backside, wounds tunneling into the dead meat of your ass.

Next the Nurse Practitioner comes at you with a probe. Not a nice comfy alien probe either but a sharp, cold human type probe, the kind of probe you really don't want anywhere near you, especially near your ass. Then the Nurse Practitioner starts to dig, probing away, scraping, slicing, cutting off the black dead meat down to the bloody meat below. And oh the sensations, the shear joy of being cut and dug upon, its really indescribable. Maybe if you tried chewing glass?

Anyway next comes the Photo-Op. The guy with the camera gets to work taking professionally framed pictures of your gaping ass wounds. Smile for the camera dear. Ugh. Having been suitably recorded onto a mass media device to be shared with others, your ass moves on to....

The Doctor. Now we just have to wait for the Doctor, who is off viewing other asses in other rooms just like yours, giving his esteemed opinion. Just have to wait a bit. yep. waiting. Hah. The Waiting Game... waiterino... waitoria... waititraitia... waiting is such sweet fun. If you wait long enough the Nurse Practitioner might venture to make a polite joking remark about, oh, maybe your ass. If this goes over well, maybe one of the Nurses will throw in a quip, then another nurse and maybe the camera guy too. Then a whole humorous conversation might ensue concerning your ass. Then the Doctor rushes on stage, bows to the audience, glances at the ass and says the same thing he did last month, "Its looking good, keep off it."

And thats wound care.

Blessed...

Blessed are the partners who constantly put up with our shit, take care of us and devote themselves to our relative wholeness and heathful welfare. So go forth and buy flowers thou and candy and sweet little teddy bears with red bows, and do giveth said items of meaningfulness to thine main squeeze. And let there be horniness and all things fruitful to your house or apartment, and yea even unto your dorm rooms and such places, and let the horniness spill forth in great joy.

Happy Valentines Day, please stay clear of massacres!

Fancy Free

It would be nice to get out of bed. You folks with jobs and busy lives may think, "gosh it would be nice to stay in bed", but believe me the reality of it sucks wads. Being a shut-in is one thing, being an enforced shut-in is quite another, and being forced to lay in bed for a year is really to be avoided at all costs. I, being in the third case myself, would not recommend it. What I wouldn't give to go outside, to feel the wind in my face, to gaze across the deep blue waters of Gitchigoomie, to get lost once more in her cool embrace.

Some people actually choose this existance and are afraid to venture forth from thier abode, while others simply forget that there is another life, another world, outside of thier dark holes. I could not dream of such a nightmare, but it was my life for many years after my accident, alone and annoyed in my little room. Maybe I was afraid of what others would think of my broken body, maybe I wanted to hide. It took me allot of time to come to a place where I believed in myself, but eventually I did. I ventured outside, I met people, had me a life, wife, kid.... And a good ten years of living it, with ups and downs as is ever the case.

Then came the news that I had a hole in my ass in which you could hide a hens egg. Not the usual hole either. No, this was a whole new hole which just popped up one day, grown in my rotting flesh. Excuse me, my over pressurised rotting flesh. Who knew if you put pressure on flesh it goes bad? Well, actually it is something they teach you in hospital, but who was I to believe it? I was stupid, that's who.

So after roughly a year of healing up from that, I put it behind me (figuratively) and hoped never to go back. Then boom, smack, wanko, here we go again. I get another hole in my ass, and some rotting bone, and a few more wounds until I'm some kind of funpark for wound nurses in training. That's right, they love it when I show up because I got a roadmap of every kind of wound there is on my ass. Woo Hoo!

I'm glad I can entertain someone. (wry grin)

Talking About Corporate Stupidity v.s. Medical Need

Kinetic Concepts, Inc. (KCI) is a global medical technology company with leadership positions in advanced wound care, and they must employ the stupidest people on the planet. They have this wound care machine called a VAC which basicly constantly sucks the puss out of open wounds such as bed sores, medical wounds, etcetera. For a person with an open wound the VAC is a godsend since it keeps all the goo out of a wound, allowing for faster healing.

Unfortunatly the administrators over at KCI have thier heads cleanly up thier asses because they are constantly trying to take these machines away from the people that need them. Thier ability to keep track of thier own internal memos is comparable to mankinds ability to fly with rocket powered farts, i.e., not quite up to speed.

Of course the world revolves not around helping others, but rather around how much money you can make whilst helping others as little and as badly as possible. Stupid humans....

Pain

Pain sucks. I hate pain. Sure its got its uses, but on a daily basis I'd rather have something better, like new shoes or a good diseased goose liver. Of course goose liver for pain would get old too. My problem is that the pain is constant, but its not just the pain per se, but rather the effects of the pain that really blows.

As a C6/7 quad, I have a certain protection from direct pain given that I cannot feel a damned thing below my chest. But the effects of pain hit me all the harder. Spasms rip through my muscles, arcing my body into flailing shapes with no particular warning. Pain rages like chaos into my brain, shearing thought into a jumble of inarticulate blather and insane cravings for some respite. Pain makes me shake like a leaf in the wind, stealing my small and much horded ability to type even in my oh so slow one key at a time way. Ripping from me the only fun I have as a bed bound shut-in, my ability to reach out to others.

Yes, then too the medications for pain, medications that rob you of your sences, meds that leave you a breathing lump of otherwise zonked human flesh. Unable to think beyond the next pill, and the next, reactions to stimuli on nil.

And so I hope for a rainbow, and some greener grass on the other side.

What If God Craps Souls?

No, really, this could go a long way towards explaining where souls come from. If everybody keeps reincarnating and there are more people now than there were like 50,000 years ago, then the souls must be coming from somewhere. So what if God crap is where souls come from? Sort of, you know, like fertilizer or something? Manure for the human race.

What If....

What if our toenails are really aliens? Maybe they are making little colonies under our beds. But its not the big ones we need to worry about, no sir. Them big ones are easy to get with a broom, vacume or one of those nifty dust mop things. No its the small ones that worry me. The broom skips over them too easily, and they stick in the rug so the vacume can't get them. And they laugh at dust mops let me tell you. Nope its definitly the small ones that I worry about. They have the time to plan. What terrible toenailish plans might they be hatching right now, under your bed? Hah, you'll say you have a maid. Maybe her name is Hazel or Alice or something retro like that. Maybe she actually gets down on hands and knees to maid around under the bed. Maybe she even moves the bed to clean under it. But it still won't help. You see I fear that tiny toenail clippings who are actually aliens know about base boards, and even the best stereotypical maid won't bother to clean under the base boards, not without a really good tip anyway. No, I fear that if our toenails are really aliens, and they have had time to lay thier plans against us, then we are doomed.

Brane Cosmology and Black Holes

I have an idea. They (the physicists of fame) say black holes suck up all this energy, light, even time. The black hole sucks it all to a point of singularity, where it goes "poof". But the problem is there can't just be a "poof" because matter and energy cannot be destroyed. So what if black holes hold and store the energy at the point of singularity until a brane happens to run into the singularity. As the brane intersects with the singularity, the singularity explodes into the space of the brane, thus creating a new "big bang" universe on the intersecting brane. Maybe this happens all the time. Maybe the black hole is like the womb of the Universe and singularities are the ova. Yeah, okay, its a stretch. But hey, it's late here at the zoo.