Friday, February 27, 2009

Wound Care In The Age of Pain

In the last two weeks I've had various run-ins with Wound Care. First the Hospital Variations; this is where you go to be viewed by the nurse, the doctor, another nurse, a nurse practitioner, some guy with a camera and another nurse.

First the nurses gang up on you and toss you into bed, strip off your pants and roll you over to check out your ass. This might seem easy enough, especially for the hopeful perverts out there, but its not nice at all if what they are looking at is a bunch of Stage 4 holes in your backside, wounds tunneling into the dead meat of your ass.

Next the Nurse Practitioner comes at you with a probe. Not a nice comfy alien probe either but a sharp, cold human type probe, the kind of probe you really don't want anywhere near you, especially near your ass. Then the Nurse Practitioner starts to dig, probing away, scraping, slicing, cutting off the black dead meat down to the bloody meat below. And oh the sensations, the shear joy of being cut and dug upon, its really indescribable. Maybe if you tried chewing glass?

Anyway next comes the Photo-Op. The guy with the camera gets to work taking professionally framed pictures of your gaping ass wounds. Smile for the camera dear. Ugh. Having been suitably recorded onto a mass media device to be shared with others, your ass moves on to....

The Doctor. Now we just have to wait for the Doctor, who is off viewing other asses in other rooms just like yours, giving his esteemed opinion. Just have to wait a bit. yep. waiting. Hah. The Waiting Game... waiterino... waitoria... waititraitia... waiting is such sweet fun. If you wait long enough the Nurse Practitioner might venture to make a polite joking remark about, oh, maybe your ass. If this goes over well, maybe one of the Nurses will throw in a quip, then another nurse and maybe the camera guy too. Then a whole humorous conversation might ensue concerning your ass. Then the Doctor rushes on stage, bows to the audience, glances at the ass and says the same thing he did last month, "Its looking good, keep off it."

And thats wound care.

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