The Road to Perdition

It has been a highway to hell in these last months, my personal road to perdition. I have terrible painful wounds on my ass from pressure sores, I'm a quadriplegic and a convicted ex-felon but these things I take for granted. The constant pain, both from wounds and the even more poignant pain of being trapped in my own body are subtle distractions compared to losing my family.

I loved my family. Maybe I didn't show it enough. Maybe the distractions of the later years of our marriage together made me lose sight of what was important. Maybe renting out the spare room to a grow farm was one of the stupidest moves of my life. But losing her was the stupidest thing I ever did.

Indifferent to humanity... I was indifferent to her feelings and her needs and indifferent to basic humanity is what she said. That is what killed us. And she was right, I was wrapped up in my own concerns, my own petty little problems. I hurt her with the abuse of not knowing how to communicate, the abuse of indifference, the abuse of being a belittling belligerent asshole, mister can't be wrong. Mister too little, too late, I never pulled it together. I was always a slacker. I never got anything in my life right. I always went for the easy way.

Is living with quadriplegia day in and day out for over twenty years, fighting every day to vanquish the pain of being broken, is that easy? Yes it is. Its the easy way out, taking from people, letting others service your every need from basic food stuffs to cleaning up your shit, washing you, emptying your piss bucket... yes that is the easy way out. The hard way would be to have the courage to admit that you are nothing more than a parasite sucking away at the marrow of your families future. After all, you will always need something. You will forever be a burden.

She said she didn't hate me. She just stopped throwing her life down a sinkhole to support me physically, medically, emotionally and financially. To support someone that didn't care about her or even himself. I cared though, I cared deeply, but I never showed it. I never showed her how deeply I loved her because I never found a way. Now I never will get that chance, not to do it the right way, not to ever give her what she needs because she doesn't need anything from me anymore. Except maybe silence. Maybe that's the best gift that I can give her. Maybe that's the best thing that I can do for all of my family, to silence that particular crying voice that is my own.

I got married for a bunch of reasons but one of the most secret and selfish ones was because I didn't want to be alone. Alone there is no reason to continue this day to day game. Alone I am nothing, I add nothing to the whole, and the impact of my passing would be minimal. I had it all worked out up to the day I met her and then there was no need because she was there. When I told her I loved her my whole world stopped and it didn't start again until she smiled. Its a rare person who can love you despite what you are. When I had her I was something. When I had her I was whole and now... now I am not.

True Lost

In sombre dreams of infinite
passionate toil for sustenance
eloquent speeches go on deaf ears
no reward for patient stupidity
rambling out our worst fears to
a cold audience no longer in tune
we wonder what happened to the past
to love and the spring of love
to feeling it so deep it hurts
and the pain of the loss of the drive
the push pull drive of true love
the ache of losing it like danger and
hate and no rewards and thinking
what happened to the fresh new blessing
of the blossom of all that truth
the truth we hear in our heart
when we first meet that one
did we do it wrong did we pass it by
for a false sense of enclosed smugness
confident comfort that it could never end
even if in our years we grew to think
the other knew enough that
we didn't ever need to talk
a false confidence of togetherness
without the balls to back it up
did we do it to ourselves
or was it all my blindness for
not seeing the truth that you
were slipping away and could
not feel my love anymore
was it my pain and my sickness
my selfishness that drove you
to fall away from the dream of forever
and family and growing old together

Free verse, July 2009
by Peter Wetherall

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 20 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Saint Anthony Patron Saint of Bacon

Based on the circumstances surrounding them, some Saints become patrons of people, occupations, places or things. It's never been easier or more affordable to bring the power of a Patron Saint to your aid. Each 3-3/4" (9.5 cm) tall, hard vinyl Saint comes with a 3" (7.6 cm) base and a removable backdrop that includes a Prayer to Assist with the Enjoyment of Quality Bacon. Warning Choking Hazard! Contains small parts, not for children under 3.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for really being a stand-up guy and giving me that seat on the train, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 19 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon: A Love Story: A Salty Survey of Everybody's Favorite Meat

It's salty, smoky, and sweet. It's experiencing a culinary renaissance. It can make almost any dish better. It's bacon, and it's the best meat ever. And now, here's the book that celebrates that deliciously sinful strip of cured pork belly.

In Bacon: A Love Story, popular bacon blogger Heather Lauer serves up a piping hot dish of fun and facts with this definitive love letter to what she calls meat candy. Heather explores the ins and outs of how bacon finds its way to your skillet and what to do with it when it gets there.

Written in a witty, engaging style and brimming with Lauer's infectious passion for the Best Meat Ever, Bacon: A Love Story is a must-read for anyone who loves bacon or is passionate about food.

About the Author
Heather Lauer is a lifelong bacon enthusiast and the creator of the popular website BaconUnwrapped.com. She lives in Phoenix, Arizona and Fairfield, Idaho.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for having way too many books already we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon books and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 18 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon and Eggs Adult

Yes you too can dress like bacon. Eggs too, of course, but oh that hot sizzling bacon, Oh My!Costume includes: one (1) bacon tunic and one (1) egg tunic. Available in one size fits most adults, sizes Large/X-Large. Undershirts and pants not included.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for having won some prize or nomination type thing fairly recently that we can't remember the name of right this minute and are too lazy to Google, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon suits and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 17 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Raw Bacon Weave Cardholder

Flash this very unique RAW Bacon Weave Card holder and instantly make alliances with other bacon fanatics ... Makes a great "going out" wallet , simple design carrys the essentials: business cards, credit cards, and ID's. Measures 2.75" x 4" when closed, with two clear pockets inside. Handmade in Los Angeles.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for his passionate address of official issues pertaining to things and stuff, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 16 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Pugster Mmm Bacon Italian Charms Bracelet Link

Express your own unique style by customizing your Italian charms bracelets! Pugster offers an array of exquisite & unique designed Italian Charms bracelets which is the ideal choice for any occasion. This Italian Charms Bracelet is a great addition for your dynamic charm collection. Crafted of the finest stainless steel, this Italian Charms bracelet is absolutely an attention grabber. The stainless steel mmm bacon Italian charms bracelet measures an easy length of ~9mm, height of ~9mm and thickness of ~3.2mm. Crafted and authenticated by Pugster Inc. This mmm bacon letter laser Italian charms bracelet is available for both retail and wholesale purchase through our store.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for puttering about in his garage as the men came to do up his new roof, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon baubles and send them to Athena with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 15 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Flavored Toothpicks

These slender sticks of wood are generously flavored with the unparalleled, drool-inducing flavor of bacon. Each 3" x 1-1/4" x 1/2" tin contains eighty toothpicks. You will receive two tins of toothpicks.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for riding "Peppermint the Magic Cow" to work every morning, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon flavored sticks of chewable woody goodness and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 14 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Wallet

Put some hip into your hip pocket with one of these whimsical wallets! Each 4-1/4" x 3-3/4" (10.8 cm x 9.5 cm) faux leather wallet has plenty of pockets for your cold hard cash and copious cards.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for eating nothing but low-fat cheese spread for the last ten days, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon wallets and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 13 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Mr. Bacon vs. Monsieur Tofu Action Figures

Each vinyl figure has bendable arms and legs. Mr. Bacon stands 5-5/8" tall Monsieur Tofu is 3-3/8" tall Illustrated window box. Bring home these snack-tion figures today!

Mr. Bacon and Monsieur Tofu are fired up and ready to rumble, but only one can remain at the top of the food chain! Mr. Bacon stands 5-5/8" (14.3 cm) tall and fights for everything salty, greasy and meaty. Monsieur Tofu is 3-3/8" (8.3 cm) tall and represents all things made of coagulated soy milk. The winner gets eaten for dinner! Each vinyl figure has bendable arms and legs.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for rampaging through the woods wearing nothing but a deerhide thong, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon items and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 12 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Flavor Dental Floss

Dentists recommend flossing and we recommend bacon! Now you can be improving your dental hygiene while enjoying the amazing flavor of crispy fried bacon. Is there anything bacon can't improve? Each plastic dispenser contains 27.3 yards of waxed floss.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for an awfully good job of pretending to be a fern, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of this wonderful bacon junk and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 11 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

BACON BANDAGES

3-3/4" tall reusable metal tin Contains 15 bandages Includes a FREE toy trinket to take your mind off of the excruciating pain While the bandaids are latex-free, the packaging of this product contains natural rubber latex which may cause allergic reactions The 3" x 1" Bacon Strips are cut to look like small slabs of bacon

Heal your wounds with bacon! Wait...with bacon? The makers of the Bacon Bandages maybe be weird but, they are onto something. They are one of our best selling items! Each tin of Bacon Bandages comes with 15 sterile adhesive strips cut into the bacon shape and a free toy! Sizzle your ouchies away!

To honor Mr. Scalzi for having had an ice cream with Mr. Spock, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon things and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 10 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Air Fresheners

Love Bacon? Then go ahead hang this air freshner anywhere Car, home, dorm air freshner. Just say no to pine trees! Our selection of Air Fresheners features fun images and enticing aromas! Each one measures about 4" (10.2 cm) and comes with a string for hanging.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for loaning us a large sea going craft for research purposes we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon things and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 9 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

BACON TREE!!

This is a bacon tree that you can eat from! The bacon is precooked when it shows up on this bacon tree. Enjoy!

Note: We are not altogether certain that this is a "real" tree, but we have hope.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for his liberal views on conservativishness and polyamphoric residue we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 8 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Chocolate and Bacon Candy Bar

The newest flavor from Vosges, the inimitable Mo's Chocolate and Bacon Candy Bar, combines smoky bacon and sweet milk chocolate. Vosges creator Katrina explains the origins of this unique combination: "Crisp, buttery, compulsively irresistible bacon and milk chocolate combination has long been a favorite of mine. I started playing with this combination at the tender age of six while eating chocolate chip pancakes drenched in maple syrup. Beside my chocolate-laden cakes laid three strips of fried bacon, just barely touching a sweet pool of maple syrup. Just a bite of the bacon was too salty and yearned for the sweet kiss of chocolate syrup. In retrospect, perhaps this was a turning point, for on that plate something magical happened: the beginnings of a combination so ethereal and delicious that it would haunt my thoughts until I found the medium to express it--chocolate."

Ingredients:Applewood smoked bacon, Alder smoked salt, and deep milk chocolate.

Gluten free.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for having fired his long-time shoe salesman to get in on walleye season this year and hopefully land the biggest fish, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 7 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

J&D's Baconnaise Bacon Flavored Spread

Imagine the sweet paring of bacon and mayo in one big glop of wonderful fatty goodness and you are on your way to ultimate happiness with this delicious American treat!

To honor Mr. Scalzi for washing his cat in baconaise we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of this wonderful bacon glop and send it to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 6 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Flavored Jelly Beans in Bacon-Shaped Collectible Tin

Its a bacon bonanza! Sixty bacon flavored jelly beans come in each 6-1/2" x 1-1/2" x 1" bacon-shaped tin. Not quite as tasty as real bacon, but better for your arteries.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for his long and bitter diatribes concerning the use of free-range clams we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 5 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Flavored Mints

Each one of these mints tastes like a delicious slice of crispy bacon with just a hint of mint flavor to give it that extra punch! It may sound weird but once you taste it, you will probably drop dead so what the heck! Try some today!

To honor Mr. Scalzi for something we ask that everyone who knows him personally please don't buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and do not send them to him with our compliments! (We didn't like them.)

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 4 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Bacon Gumballs in Tin

Yes, weve gone overboard with the "bacon" thing, but who can blame us? Bacon is a powerful force and we are but disciples doing our part to spread the gustatory gospel. Each 3.25" x 2.5" x .75" (8.3 cm x 6.4 cm x 1.9 cm) tin contains twenty-two bacon flavored gumballs.

To honor Mr. Scalzi for having the cutest toes on the internet we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a tin of these wonderful bacon balls and send them to him with our compliments!

IN HONOR OF JOHN SCALZI, APRIL IS THE OFFICIAL MONTH OF BACON!

That's right folks, Day 3 of Bacon Month is here! Today's entry is:

Breakfast For Nuclear Fallout


Mountain House® Freeze dried #10 can foods are Great tasting, High Quality, Light Weight, designed for Hearty servings and offer a super Long shelf life...up to 25 years! Stick a bunch of these in your nuclear fallout shelter and you'll never go a day underground without a big hearty breakfast. Simple Food Preparation, our freeze dried foods from Mountain House® are easy to prepare-just add hot water...wait 10 minutes...and eat!

To honor Mr. Scalzi for having very serious eyebrows we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!