Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I loved my family. Maybe I didn't show it enough. Maybe the distractions of the later years of our marriage together made me lose sight of what was important. Maybe renting out the spare room to a grow farm was one of the stupidest moves of my life. But losing her was the stupidest thing I ever did.
Indifferent to humanity... I was indifferent to her feelings and her needs and indifferent to basic humanity is what she said. That is what killed us. And she was right, I was wrapped up in my own concerns, my own petty little problems. I hurt her with the abuse of not knowing how to communicate, the abuse of indifference, the abuse of being a belittling belligerent asshole, mister can't be wrong. Mister too little, too late, I never pulled it together. I was always a slacker. I never got anything in my life right. I always went for the easy way.
Is living with quadriplegia day in and day out for over twenty years, fighting every day to vanquish the pain of being broken, is that easy? Yes it is. Its the easy way out, taking from people, letting others service your every need from basic food stuffs to cleaning up your shit, washing you, emptying your piss bucket... yes that is the easy way out. The hard way would be to have the courage to admit that you are nothing more than a parasite sucking away at the marrow of your families future. After all, you will always need something. You will forever be a burden.
She said she didn't hate me. She just stopped throwing her life down a sinkhole to support me physically, medically, emotionally and financially. To support someone that didn't care about her or even himself. I cared though, I cared deeply, but I never showed it. I never showed her how deeply I loved her because I never found a way. Now I never will get that chance, not to do it the right way, not to ever give her what she needs because she doesn't need anything from me anymore. Except maybe silence. Maybe that's the best gift that I can give her. Maybe that's the best thing that I can do for all of my family, to silence that particular crying voice that is my own.
I got married for a bunch of reasons but one of the most secret and selfish ones was because I didn't want to be alone. Alone there is no reason to continue this day to day game. Alone I am nothing, I add nothing to the whole, and the impact of my passing would be minimal. I had it all worked out up to the day I met her and then there was no need because she was there. When I told her I loved her my whole world stopped and it didn't start again until she smiled. Its a rare person who can love you despite what you are. When I had her I was something. When I had her I was whole and now... now I am not.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
passionate toil for sustenance
eloquent speeches go on deaf ears
no reward for patient stupidity
rambling out our worst fears to
a cold audience no longer in tune
we wonder what happened to the past
to love and the spring of love
to feeling it so deep it hurts
and the pain of the loss of the drive
the push pull drive of true love
the ache of losing it like danger and
hate and no rewards and thinking
what happened to the fresh new blessing
of the blossom of all that truth
the truth we hear in our heart
when we first meet that one
did we do it wrong did we pass it by
for a false sense of enclosed smugness
confident comfort that it could never end
even if in our years we grew to think
the other knew enough that
we didn't ever need to talk
a false confidence of togetherness
without the balls to back it up
did we do it to ourselves
or was it all my blindness for
not seeing the truth that you
were slipping away and could
not feel my love anymore
was it my pain and my sickness
my selfishness that drove you
to fall away from the dream of forever
and family and growing old together
Free verse, July 2009
by Peter Wetherall
Monday, April 20, 2009
Saint Anthony Patron Saint of Bacon
Based on the circumstances surrounding them, some Saints become patrons of people, occupations, places or things. It's never been easier or more affordable to bring the power of a Patron Saint to your aid. Each 3-3/4" (9.5 cm) tall, hard vinyl Saint comes with a 3" (7.6 cm) base and a removable backdrop that includes a Prayer to Assist with the Enjoyment of Quality Bacon. Warning Choking Hazard! Contains small parts, not for children under 3.
To honor Mr. Scalzi for really being a stand-up guy and giving me that seat on the train, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Bacon: A Love Story: A Salty Survey of Everybody's Favorite Meat
It's salty, smoky, and sweet. It's experiencing a culinary renaissance. It can make almost any dish better. It's bacon, and it's the best meat ever. And now, here's the book that celebrates that deliciously sinful strip of cured pork belly.
In Bacon: A Love Story, popular bacon blogger Heather Lauer serves up a piping hot dish of fun and facts with this definitive love letter to what she calls meat candy. Heather explores the ins and outs of how bacon finds its way to your skillet and what to do with it when it gets there.
Written in a witty, engaging style and brimming with Lauer's infectious passion for the Best Meat Ever, Bacon: A Love Story is a must-read for anyone who loves bacon or is passionate about food.
About the Author
Heather Lauer is a lifelong bacon enthusiast and the creator of the popular website BaconUnwrapped.com. She lives in Phoenix, Arizona and Fairfield, Idaho.
To honor Mr. Scalzi for having way too many books already we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon books and send them to him with our compliments!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Bacon and Eggs Adult
Yes you too can dress like bacon. Eggs too, of course, but oh that hot sizzling bacon, Oh My!Costume includes: one (1) bacon tunic and one (1) egg tunic. Available in one size fits most adults, sizes Large/X-Large. Undershirts and pants not included.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Raw Bacon Weave Cardholder
Flash this very unique RAW Bacon Weave Card holder and instantly make alliances with other bacon fanatics ... Makes a great "going out" wallet , simple design carrys the essentials: business cards, credit cards, and ID's. Measures 2.75" x 4" when closed, with two clear pockets inside. Handmade in Los Angeles.
To honor Mr. Scalzi for his passionate address of official issues pertaining to things and stuff, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Pugster Mmm Bacon Italian Charms Bracelet Link
Express your own unique style by customizing your Italian charms bracelets! Pugster offers an array of exquisite & unique designed Italian Charms bracelets which is the ideal choice for any occasion. This Italian Charms Bracelet is a great addition for your dynamic charm collection. Crafted of the finest stainless steel, this Italian Charms bracelet is absolutely an attention grabber. The stainless steel mmm bacon Italian charms bracelet measures an easy length of ~9mm, height of ~9mm and thickness of ~3.2mm. Crafted and authenticated by Pugster Inc. This mmm bacon letter laser Italian charms bracelet is available for both retail and wholesale purchase through our store.
To honor Mr. Scalzi for puttering about in his garage as the men came to do up his new roof, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon baubles and send them to Athena with our compliments!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Bacon Flavored Toothpicks
These slender sticks of wood are generously flavored with the unparalleled, drool-inducing flavor of bacon. Each 3" x 1-1/4" x 1/2" tin contains eighty toothpicks. You will receive two tins of toothpicks.
To honor Mr. Scalzi for riding "Peppermint the Magic Cow" to work every morning, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon flavored sticks of chewable woody goodness and send them to him with our compliments!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Put some hip into your hip pocket with one of these whimsical wallets! Each 4-1/4" x 3-3/4" (10.8 cm x 9.5 cm) faux leather wallet has plenty of pockets for your cold hard cash and copious cards.
To honor Mr. Scalzi for eating nothing but low-fat cheese spread for the last ten days, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon wallets and send them to him with our compliments!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Mr. Bacon vs. Monsieur Tofu Action Figures
Each vinyl figure has bendable arms and legs. Mr. Bacon stands 5-5/8" tall Monsieur Tofu is 3-3/8" tall Illustrated window box. Bring home these snack-tion figures today!
Mr. Bacon and Monsieur Tofu are fired up and ready to rumble, but only one can remain at the top of the food chain! Mr. Bacon stands 5-5/8" (14.3 cm) tall and fights for everything salty, greasy and meaty. Monsieur Tofu is 3-3/8" (8.3 cm) tall and represents all things made of coagulated soy milk. The winner gets eaten for dinner! Each vinyl figure has bendable arms and legs.
To honor Mr. Scalzi for rampaging through the woods wearing nothing but a deerhide thong, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon items and send them to him with our compliments!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Bacon Flavor Dental Floss
To honor Mr. Scalzi for an awfully good job of pretending to be a fern, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of this wonderful bacon junk and send them to him with our compliments!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
3-3/4" tall reusable metal tin Contains 15 bandages Includes a FREE toy trinket to take your mind off of the excruciating pain While the bandaids are latex-free, the packaging of this product contains natural rubber latex which may cause allergic reactions The 3" x 1" Bacon Strips are cut to look like small slabs of bacon
Heal your wounds with bacon! Wait...with bacon? The makers of the Bacon Bandages maybe be weird but, they are onto something. They are one of our best selling items! Each tin of Bacon Bandages comes with 15 sterile adhesive strips cut into the bacon shape and a free toy! Sizzle your ouchies away!
To honor Mr. Scalzi for having had an ice cream with Mr. Spock, we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon things and send them to him with our compliments!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Love Bacon? Then go ahead hang this air freshner anywhere Car, home, dorm air freshner. Just say no to pine trees! Our selection of Air Fresheners features fun images and enticing aromas! Each one measures about 4" (10.2 cm) and comes with a string for hanging.
To honor Mr. Scalzi for loaning us a large sea going craft for research purposes we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon things and send them to him with our compliments!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
This is a bacon tree that you can eat from! The bacon is precooked when it shows up on this bacon tree. Enjoy!
To honor Mr. Scalzi for his liberal views on conservativishness and polyamphoric residue we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Ingredients:Applewood smoked bacon, Alder smoked salt, and deep milk chocolate.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
To honor Mr. Scalzi for washing his cat in baconaise we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of this wonderful bacon glop and send it to him with our compliments!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Its a bacon bonanza! Sixty bacon flavored jelly beans come in each 6-1/2" x 1-1/2" x 1" bacon-shaped tin. Not quite as tasty as real bacon, but better for your arteries.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Each one of these mints tastes like a delicious slice of crispy bacon with just a hint of mint flavor to give it that extra punch! It may sound weird but once you taste it, you will probably drop dead so what the heck! Try some today!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Bacon Gumballs in Tin
Friday, April 3, 2009
Breakfast For Nuclear Fallout
Mountain House® Freeze dried #10 can foods are Great tasting, High Quality, Light Weight, designed for Hearty servings and offer a super Long shelf life...up to 25 years! Stick a bunch of these in your nuclear fallout shelter and you'll never go a day underground without a big hearty breakfast. Simple Food Preparation, our freeze dried foods from Mountain House® are easy to prepare-just add hot water...wait 10 minutes...and eat!
To honor Mr. Scalzi for having very serious eyebrows we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Uncle Oinker's Gummy Bacon
These succulent strips of Gummy Bacon are so realistic you'll want to fry some up and serve them with an egg and a side of hash browns. But please don't. Gummy Bacon should only be savored raw. Each illustrated window box contains four 20 gram slices of strawberry flavored gummy meat sealed in a plastic bag.
In case you didn't know, or can't read big orange letters, April is The Official Month of Bacon in honor of John Scalzi and the WWBM (World-Wide Bacon Movement.)
To honor Mr. Scalzi for the many plush bacon cat toys he has inspired we ask that everyone who knows him personally please buy him a case of these wonderful bacon treats and send them to him with our compliments!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
48 Hang Be St., Hanoi, VN
As good as it looks, this delightful dish is from the kitchen garden menu at The Green Tangerine. Flavored with 5 Vietnamese spices vinaigrette, with sweet and sour tropical fruits, the dish is served cold and it is a perfect refreshment after battling the motorbikes of Hanoi.
Friday, February 27, 2009
First the nurses gang up on you and toss you into bed, strip off your pants and roll you over to check out your ass. This might seem easy enough, especially for the hopeful perverts out there, but its not nice at all if what they are looking at is a bunch of Stage 4 holes in your backside, wounds tunneling into the dead meat of your ass.
Next the Nurse Practitioner comes at you with a probe. Not a nice comfy alien probe either but a sharp, cold human type probe, the kind of probe you really don't want anywhere near you, especially near your ass. Then the Nurse Practitioner starts to dig, probing away, scraping, slicing, cutting off the black dead meat down to the bloody meat below. And oh the sensations, the shear joy of being cut and dug upon, its really indescribable. Maybe if you tried chewing glass?
Anyway next comes the Photo-Op. The guy with the camera gets to work taking professionally framed pictures of your gaping ass wounds. Smile for the camera dear. Ugh. Having been suitably recorded onto a mass media device to be shared with others, your ass moves on to....
The Doctor. Now we just have to wait for the Doctor, who is off viewing other asses in other rooms just like yours, giving his esteemed opinion. Just have to wait a bit. yep. waiting. Hah. The Waiting Game... waiterino... waitoria... waititraitia... waiting is such sweet fun. If you wait long enough the Nurse Practitioner might venture to make a polite joking remark about, oh, maybe your ass. If this goes over well, maybe one of the Nurses will throw in a quip, then another nurse and maybe the camera guy too. Then a whole humorous conversation might ensue concerning your ass. Then the Doctor rushes on stage, bows to the audience, glances at the ass and says the same thing he did last month, "Its looking good, keep off it."
And thats wound care.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Valentines Day, please stay clear of massacres!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Some people actually choose this existance and are afraid to venture forth from thier abode, while others simply forget that there is another life, another world, outside of thier dark holes. I could not dream of such a nightmare, but it was my life for many years after my accident, alone and annoyed in my little room. Maybe I was afraid of what others would think of my broken body, maybe I wanted to hide. It took me allot of time to come to a place where I believed in myself, but eventually I did. I ventured outside, I met people, had me a life, wife, kid.... And a good ten years of living it, with ups and downs as is ever the case.
Then came the news that I had a hole in my ass in which you could hide a hens egg. Not the usual hole either. No, this was a whole new hole which just popped up one day, grown in my rotting flesh. Excuse me, my over pressurised rotting flesh. Who knew if you put pressure on flesh it goes bad? Well, actually it is something they teach you in hospital, but who was I to believe it? I was stupid, that's who.
So after roughly a year of healing up from that, I put it behind me (figuratively) and hoped never to go back. Then boom, smack, wanko, here we go again. I get another hole in my ass, and some rotting bone, and a few more wounds until I'm some kind of funpark for wound nurses in training. That's right, they love it when I show up because I got a roadmap of every kind of wound there is on my ass. Woo Hoo!
I'm glad I can entertain someone. (wry grin)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Unfortunatly the administrators over at KCI have thier heads cleanly up thier asses because they are constantly trying to take these machines away from the people that need them. Thier ability to keep track of thier own internal memos is comparable to mankinds ability to fly with rocket powered farts, i.e., not quite up to speed.
Of course the world revolves not around helping others, but rather around how much money you can make whilst helping others as little and as badly as possible. Stupid humans....
As a C6/7 quad, I have a certain protection from direct pain given that I cannot feel a damned thing below my chest. But the effects of pain hit me all the harder. Spasms rip through my muscles, arcing my body into flailing shapes with no particular warning. Pain rages like chaos into my brain, shearing thought into a jumble of inarticulate blather and insane cravings for some respite. Pain makes me shake like a leaf in the wind, stealing my small and much horded ability to type even in my oh so slow one key at a time way. Ripping from me the only fun I have as a bed bound shut-in, my ability to reach out to others.
Yes, then too the medications for pain, medications that rob you of your sences, meds that leave you a breathing lump of otherwise zonked human flesh. Unable to think beyond the next pill, and the next, reactions to stimuli on nil.
And so I hope for a rainbow, and some greener grass on the other side.
Saturday, February 7, 2009