The Road to Perdition

It has been a highway to hell in these last months, my personal road to perdition. I have terrible painful wounds on my ass from pressure sores, I'm a quadriplegic and a convicted ex-felon but these things I take for granted. The constant pain, both from wounds and the even more poignant pain of being trapped in my own body are subtle distractions compared to losing my family.

I loved my family. Maybe I didn't show it enough. Maybe the distractions of the later years of our marriage together made me lose sight of what was important. Maybe renting out the spare room to a grow farm was one of the stupidest moves of my life. But losing her was the stupidest thing I ever did.

Indifferent to humanity... I was indifferent to her feelings and her needs and indifferent to basic humanity is what she said. That is what killed us. And she was right, I was wrapped up in my own concerns, my own petty little problems. I hurt her with the abuse of not knowing how to communicate, the abuse of indifference, the abuse of being a belittling belligerent asshole, mister can't be wrong. Mister too little, too late, I never pulled it together. I was always a slacker. I never got anything in my life right. I always went for the easy way.

Is living with quadriplegia day in and day out for over twenty years, fighting every day to vanquish the pain of being broken, is that easy? Yes it is. Its the easy way out, taking from people, letting others service your every need from basic food stuffs to cleaning up your shit, washing you, emptying your piss bucket... yes that is the easy way out. The hard way would be to have the courage to admit that you are nothing more than a parasite sucking away at the marrow of your families future. After all, you will always need something. You will forever be a burden.

She said she didn't hate me. She just stopped throwing her life down a sinkhole to support me physically, medically, emotionally and financially. To support someone that didn't care about her or even himself. I cared though, I cared deeply, but I never showed it. I never showed her how deeply I loved her because I never found a way. Now I never will get that chance, not to do it the right way, not to ever give her what she needs because she doesn't need anything from me anymore. Except maybe silence. Maybe that's the best gift that I can give her. Maybe that's the best thing that I can do for all of my family, to silence that particular crying voice that is my own.

I got married for a bunch of reasons but one of the most secret and selfish ones was because I didn't want to be alone. Alone there is no reason to continue this day to day game. Alone I am nothing, I add nothing to the whole, and the impact of my passing would be minimal. I had it all worked out up to the day I met her and then there was no need because she was there. When I told her I loved her my whole world stopped and it didn't start again until she smiled. Its a rare person who can love you despite what you are. When I had her I was something. When I had her I was whole and now... now I am not.